Replacement Phrases: A Powerful Shift in Communication with Children

Replacement Phrases: A Powerful Shift in Communication

When a child is overwhelmed, dysregulated, or emotionally flooded, the instinct to say “calm down” is common but often counterproductive. Neurodivergent children may find this phrase confusing or invalidating, especially those with sensory processing differences or communication challenges.

Instead of demanding calm, what if we model it? Instead of silencing emotion, what if we stayed present and curious?

Welcome to the power of co-regulation a respectful, connection-first approach that builds trust, safety, and emotional resilience in every child. We have a tool that suggests positive replacement phrases for common things we say and we have a more in-depth downloadable language guide.

What Is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the process by which a regulated adult supports a child in managing big feelings through empathy, not control. It’s the cornerstone of emotional development.

For neurodivergent children, co-regulation is essential. They experience the world with heightened sensitivity to sound, light, or touch. Their emotional expressions might be louder, more physical, or less verbal. In these moments, traditional behaviour management tools can miss the mark.

Co-regulation says: “You don’t have to do this alone. I’ve got you.”

Why “Calm Down” Doesn’t Work

Saying “calm down” assumes a child can self-regulate instantly. But when a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed, the brain’s reasoning centres go offline. This isn’t defiance—it’s a survival response.

By demanding calm, we often increase shame, frustration, or fear. The better path? Slow down. Connect. Validate.

Say This Instead: A Neurodiversity-Affirming Language Guide

We created a supportive tool to help educators and parents shift from reactive to responsive language. This guide is ideal for classrooms, therapy settings, and home routines.

Affirming Phrases and Visual Anchors

Phrase	Visual Cue	Why It Helps
“I’m with you.”	👣 Footprints	Offers presence and co-regulation.
“It’s okay to cry.”	💧 Tear in a heart	Normalises emotional expression.
“Let’s pause and check in.”	🤭 Compass	Builds interoception skills.
“Let’s figure this out together.”	🧹 Puzzle pieces	Encourages collaboration over compliance.

These statements offer support without control, giving the child autonomy while inviting connection.

Real-Life Phrases for Everyday Situations

• “My tummy feels twisty.” Try: “Let’s sit together and breathe.”
• “I can’t do this!” Say: “It feels hard right now. Want to try it together or take a break?”
• “This is too loud!” Offer: “Want to go somewhere quieter or use your headphones?”
• “I’m so angry!” Respond: “It’s okay to feel angry. Would it help to talk about it or have some space?”
• “Everyone is looking at me.” Reassure: “That feeling is normal. Let’s focus just on what we’re doing right now.”
• “I miss Mommy/Daddy.” Comfort: “I know that missing feeling is hard. Would you like to draw them a picture?”
• “I don’t want to share!” Guide: “You can have a turn first, then we’ll use the timer for sharing.”
• “Nobody likes me.” Support: “That’s a tough feeling. What happened that made you feel that way?”
• “I’m scared.” Validate: “It’s brave to say when you’re scared. Can I help you feel safer?”
• “I hate this food!” Offer choice: “You don’t have to like everything. Would you prefer this or that option?”
• “I want it NOW!” Set boundary: “I understand you want it right away. We need to wait our turn, but I’m here with you.”
• “Leave me alone!” Respect space: “I’ll give you some space and check back in a few minutes. I’m here when you’re ready.”

These gentle phrases support emotional safety, reduce escalation, and build self-awareness.s.

Replacement Behaviour Phrase Tool

This interactive tool helps you transform common classroom commands into neurodiversity-affirming language that will support your child to co-regulate.

Step-by-step:

1. Click a button that represents a phrase you might hear (or say!) in a moment of stress, like “Stop doing that” or “Calm down.”
2. Hear a chime and watch a list of five supportive alternatives appear below.
3. Read and reflect on phrases that promote understanding, emotional safety, and co-regulation.

Whether you’re a teacher, parent, or support professional, this tool encourages connection over correction — one phrase at a time

Behaviour Is Communication

Remember: behaviour is a message, not a manipulation. When a child cries, yells, or shuts down, it signals a need. Instead of asking “How do I stop this?” ask “What is this child trying to communicate?”

Co-regulation requires us to:

• Stay curious
• Be emotionally available
• Model calm through our tone, body, and breath

The shift from reaction to regulation can transform your classroom.

What Makes This Language Neurodiversity-Affirming?

Neurodiversity-affirming practice means we:

• Respect different sensory thresholds
• Honour emotional expression (not just compliance)
• Offer multiple ways to communicate
• Focus on safety, not suppression

It’s about saying: “You don’t need to change who you are to be safe here.”

Small Language Shifts, Big Emotional Wins

Teachers and parents using this approach often report:

• More trust and connection
• Fewer meltdowns and power struggles
• Greater emotional confidence in children

One teacher shared: “We don’t fix feelings anymore. We feel them together. That’s the magic.”

How to Get Started

1. Notice Your Defaults – Do you say “You’re fine” or “Stop crying”? Awareness is the first step.
2. Choose One Phrase to Practice – Try “I’m with you” or “It’s okay to feel this way.”
3. Display the Visual Guide – Use it in class, at home, or in staff training.

Download Your Free Visual Language Guide

Ready to shift from correction to connection? We’ve created a printable, shareable guide you can start using today.

📄 Download the Neurodiversity-Affirming Language Guide

Perfect for:

• SENCOs and inclusion leads
• Teachers and TAs
• Therapists and social workers
• Families and caregivers

Final Words: Show Up More Over Saying More

You don’t need perfect words. You need presence. When a child is overwhelmed, don’t ask them to be less emotional—ask how you can be more supportive.

Because saying less and showing up more is one of the most powerful ways to honour a child’s neurodiversity.

Looking for more? Explore our resources on sensory processing, emotional literacy, and trauma-informed teaching strategies.