Why Separation Can Distress Neurodivergent Children

Why Many Neurodivergent Children Struggle with Separation From Parents

If you’ve ever wondered why some neurodivergent children seem to cling to their parent or carer, often Mum, or become deeply distressed when separated from them, you’re not alone. It’s a situation familiar to many families and professionals. But what’s less well understood is the reason behind this behaviour.

Contrary to what’s often assumed, it’s not an attachment issue. It’s about coregulation, a deeply biological need for emotional safety and nervous system support.

Let’s unpack this.

The Power of Co-Regulation: A Letter from a Parent of an Autistic Child

Understanding the Closeness: It’s Not “Overattachment”

When a neurodivergent child (for example, a child who is autistic, has ADHD, or sensory processing differences) is always at their parent’s side, or reacts strongly when apart from them, professionals may sometimes suggest this is an “attachment problem.”

That label can sound alarming. It may lead to further scrutiny, assumptions of trauma, or pressure to “fix” a bond that isn’t actually broken.

But this perspective misses a vital piece of the puzzle.

The Real Reason: High Coregulation Needs

Coregulation is the process by which one person helps another feel calm, safe, and emotionally stable. For children — especially those who are still developing emotional regulation skills, a trusted adult’s presence is a powerful nervous system stabiliser.

In neurodivergent children, the need for coregulation is often much greater and longer-lasting. That’s because their sensory systems, stress responses, and social communication differences can make it harder to stay regulated in unfamiliar, demanding, or unpredictable environments.

The parent (or primary caregiver) often becomes the child’s external regulation system — not because the child is overdependent, but because they’re doing what their nervous system requires in order to feel safe.

Why Does This Matter?

Understanding the difference between high coregulation needs and attachment issues is crucial.

Misunderstanding leads to:

• Misdiagnosis (e.g., assuming trauma where there is none)
• Inappropriate interventions (e.g., forced separation or pressure to “build independence” too early)
• Parental blame (particularly toward mothers, who are often the ones closest to the child)
• Emotional harm to the child, who may be misinterpreted as “manipulative” or “clingy” when they’re actually in distress

Getting it right leads to:

• Compassionate responses
• Effective support strategies
• Stronger trust between home and school
• Better outcomes for children

What Teachers Can Do

As a teacher or teaching assistant, here’s how you can support children with high coregulation needs:

1. Respect the Relationship

Understand that the child’s closeness to their parent is protective, not problematic. Instead of trying to break that bond, find ways to build trust within school so the child can slowly feel safer with you too.

2. Build a Co-regulating Presence in School

Designate a trusted adult who can offer calm, predictable, non-demanding support. This person might:

• Sit nearby without pressuring the child
• Offer a quiet sensory-friendly space
• Use simple, low-demand communication (like visuals or gestures)

3. Create Predictability

Transitions, unknowns, and sudden changes are key stressors. Help by:

• Using visual timetables
• Preparing the child in advance
• Keeping routines as consistent as possible

4. Collaborate with Parents

Parents aren’t the barrier to independence — they’re the bridge. Work with them rather than against them. Ask:

• What helps at home?
• What signs show their child is overwhelmed?
• How can we mirror home routines or calming strategies?

What Parents Need to Hear

If you’re the parent of a neurodivergent child who needs to be near you much more than other children, here’s what’s important to know:

You are not doing anything wrong.

Your child is not “behind” in independence or “too attached.” They’re doing something incredibly smart: seeking safety from the person who helps their nervous system stay regulated.

And no, they won’t “never learn” to manage on their own. But they will do it when their body and brain are ready — not before. And certainly not through force or distress.

You’re not “holding them back.” You’re holding them together.

Common “Attachment” Misconceptions to Watch For

Misconception	Reality
“They’re too attached to Mum.”	The child uses Mum (or carer) as a coregulating partner. This is adaptive.
“They need more time away to build independence.”	Independence grows from secure regulation, not from forced separation.
“There must be trauma or attachment disorder.”	High coregulation needs are common in neurodivergence, not necessarily linked to trauma.
“They’ll manipulate you if you give in.”	The behaviour is not manipulation; it’s a nervous system signal of overwhelm.

Supporting Coregulation Needs Through EHCP Targets to Reduce Seperation Distress

When writing EHCPs for neurodivergent children with high coregulation needs, it’s essential to avoid framing their support requirements as a problem with attachment or dependency. Instead, targets should:

• Recognise the biological need for regulation and emotional safety
• Emphasise relationship-based support
• Avoid prematurely pushing for independence or separation from caregivers
• Focus on developing co-regulatory relationships in school, not eliminating the child’s connection to home

Below are examples of EHCP targets that support these principles:

Coregulation Affirming EHCP Targets

Area: Communication and Interaction

• “With adult support, [Child’s Name] will communicate their emotional state using a visual feelings scale or agreed cues at least once per session, to support coregulation.”
• “In the presence of a trusted adult, [Child’s Name] will engage in a structured low-demand interaction (e.g., parallel play, joint attention task) for 10 minutes daily to build relational safety.”

Area: Social, Emotional, and Mental Health

• “[Child’s Name] will access a low-arousal, familiar regulation space (with optional adult support) during periods of overwhelm at least once per day.”
• “With access to co-regulating relationships, [Child’s Name] will demonstrate three self-selected calming strategies across the week, using visuals or staff prompts as needed.”

Area: Sensory and Emotional Regulation

• “Given a predictable daily routine and known adults, [Child’s Name] will begin to separate from parent/carer at school entrance over a 6-week period, with adjustments led by the child’s readiness and emotional cues.”
• “[Child’s Name] will be supported by a consistent adult trained in coregulation strategies to remain emotionally regulated for up to 15 minutes in a structured group activity.”

EHCP Phrasing to Avoid

❌ Unhelpful Target	✅ Better Alternative
“X will separate from parent without distress for 5 days in a row.”	“X will be supported by a trusted adult to feel emotionally safe during transitions between home and school.”
“X will reduce reliance on adult support to become more independent.”	“X will build a co-regulatory relationship with a named adult, using agreed calming tools and predictable routines.”
“X will demonstrate secure attachment to key adult in school.”	“X will access a consistent, emotionally attuned relationship with a key adult, who supports regulation and connection.”

Separation-based Principles to Guide EHCP Writing

• Support before skill: Children can only begin to learn regulation once they feel safe. Support precedes independence.
• Readiness over milestones: Don’t set arbitrary timeframes for separation or peer interaction. Use observational data and the child’s cues to guide.
• Collaborate with parents: EHCPs should reflect parental insight — they are the experts in what soothes, stresses, and supports their child.

Let’s Shift the Narrative

We must stop pathologising the healthy need of neurodivergent children to feel safe with their parent or carer. The label “attachment issue” is too often used where “coregulation support” is what’s actually needed.

Instead of asking, “Why are they so dependent?”
Ask: “What makes them feel safe — and how can I be part of that?”

Because when we honour their nervous system, we open the door to trust, learning, and long-term growth.

Further Reading & Resources

• The Neurodiversity Affirming Model (e.g. Dr. Mona Delahooke, Sarah Ockwell-Smith)
• Polyvagal Theory in education and parenting (Dr. Stephen Porges, Deb Dana)
• Low Demand Parenting (Sally Cat)
• Understanding PDA and demand avoidance behaviours in school