The Double Empathy Problem and Parenting

Your Neurodivergent Child: A Parent’s Guide to the Double Empathy Problem

This guide expands on the concept of the double empathy problem specifically for parents of autistic children. Understanding this concept can transform your relationship with your child and empower you to better support their needs.

Understanding Neurodiversity

The first step is shifting your perspective on autism. Embrace the idea of neurodiversity, which recognizes that variations in human brains and minds are natural and valuable. This moves away from the outdated deficit-based model that frames autistic traits as problems to be fixed.

• Instead of viewing your child’s autism as a burden or a disorder, approach it with curiosity and an open mind.
• Celebrate their unique strengths, talents, and perspectives.

Embracing the Double Empathy Problem

The double empathy problem, developed by Damian Milton, suggests that communication breakdowns are more likely to occur between people from different neurological groups. This isn’t because autistic individuals are inherently poor communicators, but rather because their communication styles and social understanding may differ significantly from non-autistic norms.

Autistic people are not inherently deficient in social understanding. They simply operate within different social realities.

We recently published a post on Personal Construct Theory (PCT), PCT and the double empathy problem intersect in their shared emphasis on understanding individuals as active agents who construct their own meaning of the world, challenging the idea of a singular, objective reality and highlighting the importance of recognising and respecting diverse perspectives

Misunderstanding Autistic Individuals

Jim Sinclair: A Call for Mutual Recognition

Jim Sinclair, a prominent autistic author and advocate, frames the issue of misunderstanding as a call for mutual recognition and respect. Sinclair’s famous quote, “Grant me the dignity of meeting me on my own terms,” encapsulates this call for a more equitable and empathetic approach to interacting with autistic individuals.

Sinclair challenges non-autistic people to:

• Recognise the “alienness” of both perspectives: Instead of viewing autistic ways of being as simply damaged versions of neurotypicality, Sinclair encourages a perspective shift that acknowledges the equal validity and value of both neurotypes.
• Question assumptions and define terms: Open and honest communication requires a willingness to examine our preconceived notions about autism and to clearly define the language we use to avoid misunderstandings.
• Collaborate to build bridges: Building understanding requires active effort and a willingness to work together. Sinclair emphasizes that communication is a two-way process that involves listening, adapting, and finding common ground.

Sinclair highlights the importance of recognising the autistic person’s perspective as valid and valuable. He challenge non-autistic individuals to move beyond their own limited frames of reference and engage with autistic individuals with humility, curiosity, and a genuine desire for mutual understanding.

Applying Double Empathy in Parenting

Here’s how you can apply the double empathy problem in your parenting journey:

1. Cultivate Humility and Curiosity: Approach your child’s experiences with genuine interest.
   
   • Recognise that their internal world and sensory experiences may be vastly different from yours.
   • Resist the urge to interpret their behaviour through a neurotypical lens.
2. Become a Keen Observer: Pay close attention to your child’s verbal and nonverbal communication.
   
   • What are their unique ways of expressing emotions, needs, and preferences?
   • Are there any sensory sensitivities you need to be aware of?
3. Listen Actively and Seek Clarification: Don’t interrupt or offer unsolicited advice. Instead:
   
   • Engage in patient, attentive listening.
   • Ask clarifying questions to ensure mutual understanding.
   • Avoid finishing their sentences or speaking for them.
4. Validate Their Experiences: Acknowledge that their feelings are valid, even if you don’t fully understand them.
   
   • Let them know that you believe them and that you’re there to support them.
   • Avoid dismissing their concerns or experiences as “weird” or “inappropriate”.
5. Create a Safe Space for Communication:
   
   • Intentionally create an environment where your child feels comfortable expressing themselves without fear of judgment or criticism.
   • Consider incorporating alternative communication methods, such as visual aids or written communication.
6. Respect Their Need for Structure and Routine: Many autistic individuals find comfort in predictability and routine.
   
   • Work with your child to establish clear routines and expectations.
   • Provide ample warning and preparation for transitions or changes in plans.
7. Focus on Building Connection: Remember that your child is unique, not just a collection of autistic traits.
   
   • Nurture their interests and passions.
   • Engage in activities together that you both enjoy.
   • Celebrate their individuality and encourage them to embrace their authentic selves.
8. Be Patient and Understanding: Building trust and understanding takes time, especially when navigating neurodiversity.
   
   • Be prepared for misunderstandings and setbacks.
   • Approach these challenges as opportunities for growth and learning.
9. Advocate for Your Child: Be a voice for your child in a world that often struggles to understand or accommodate neurodiversity.
   
   • Educate yourself about autism and the principles of neurodiversity.
   • Challenge stereotypes and misconceptions whenever you encounter them.
10. Take Care of Yourself: Parenting any child can be challenging.
    
    • Remember to prioritise your own well-being.
    • Seek support from other parents, therapists, or support groups.

You can create a loving and supportive relationship with your child, built on mutual respect and understanding. The journey of parenting a neurodivergent child is unique and rewarding. Embrace the challenges and celebrate the triumphs together.

References:

Chapple, M., Davis, P., Billington, J., Myrick, J. A., Ruddock, C., & Corcoran, R. (2021). Overcoming the Double Empathy Problem Within Pairs of Autistic and Non-autistic Adults Through the Contemplation of Serious Literature. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 708375. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.708375

Milton, D., Gurbuz, E., & López, B. (2022). The ‘double empathy problem’: Ten years on. Autism. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613221129123