Talking to Children About Secrets, Surprises and Unsafe Adults 

Want to keep your child safe from the adults who are closest to them? 

Most parents warn about “stranger danger” starting day one. Parents think they’re doing the right thing. After all, children should be aware that not everyone is nice. 

Here’s the problem: 

Strangers are not the biggest threat. 

The adults who are most likely to hurt a child are ones that child already knows and loves. And one of their primary weapons is extremely basic… 

A secret. 

In this booklet you will learn how to discuss secrets, surprises and inappropriate adults with your children. Without traumatizing them of course. 

Here is how to do it… 

Inside This Guide: 

• Why Secrets Put Kids At Risk 

• Secrets Vs Surprises 

• The Warning Signs Of An Unsafe Adult 

• 5x Ways To Start The Conversation 

• What To Do If Your Child Opens Up 

Why Secrets Put Kids At Risk 

Abuse almost always depends on one thing. Silence. 

In reported cases of child sexual abuse to police, 93% of young victims knew the abuser. 7% were strangers. 

Think about it: 

That includes coaches, family members, friends of the family, neighbors and yes, even uniformed officers. Adults who have easy access and are in a position of trust. 

And when abuse does occur, children often remain silent for years. Studies indicate that 73% of child victims never disclose the abuse to anyone within the first year. 

When The System Fails To Protect Kids 

This danger doesn’t stop at the front door. 

Children in juvenile halls depend on staff to protect them. However, that does not always happen. Nationwide, 5.8% of youth reported experiencing sexual misconduct by facility staff. 

Failure to protect detained youth frequently begins with the same issue found in homes across the country — a culture of silence. The youth don’t believe that anyone will listen to them. In California, families have filed lawsuits over these failures, and cases like the Los Padrinos sexual abuse lawsuit are helping bring accountability and a voice to detained youth who were not kept safe. 

The moral of the story is simple: every child — whether at home, at school or in custody — should never be told by an adult that they cannot tell anyone else what happened. 

Secrets Vs Surprises: The Simple Difference. 

This is the easiest place to start… 

Young kids love surprises. Birthday gifts. A party. A special card for Grandma. 

Surprises are enjoyable because they’re temporary. Eventually, everyone knows. And when they do, everyone is happy. 

Secrets are special. You don’t tell secrets. You keep them forever. And secrets can make a child feel: 

• Confused 

• Worried 

• Scared 

• Guilty 

Here’s a simple rule kids can remember: 

Little Secrets… 

Secrets you can tell, surprises you can share soon. 

Help your child learn that it’s never OK not to tell a safe adult about a secret. Even if someone says you’ll get in trouble. Even if they promise. 

Pretty simple, right? 

The Warning Signs Of An Unsafe Adult 

Dangerous adults don’t often appear frightening. Quite the opposite, most of them look friendly, helpful and fun. 

That’s exactly what makes them so hard to spot. 

They sometimes gain the whole family’s trust first. Parents are comfortable around them, so no one questions them when they want to baby-sit or drive the kids. 

Teach children (and yourself) to focus on people’s actions instead of who they are. Beware of an adult who: 

• Asks for secrets: Tells a child not to share something with their parents. 

• Dispenses favouritism: Gives gifts, favours or rules that are unique to “their” child. 

• Wants alone time: Keeps finding ways to be one-on-one with a child. 

• Ignores boundaries: Pushes past “no” with tickling, hugging or touching. 

• Talks down parents: Attempts to make the child feel like home isn’t safe to talk. 

One signal alone may not be cause for alarm. However a trend should always raise a red flag. 

Trust your gut. 

5x Ways To Start The Conversation 

Large conversations can feel awkward. Keep them small, relaxed and regular. 

Here’s how… 

Use Everyday Moments 

You don’t need a formal sit down meeting. Car rides, bath time and bedtime are ideal times. Watching TV or reading a book can also open the door. 

Teach The Correct Body Part Names 

Children who know proper names for their anatomy can communicate clearly about issues. Teaching also demonstrates that such topics are not taboo or “dirty”. 

Build A “Safe Adult” List 

Help your child choose 3x to 5x adults they can trust. This can include parents, a teacher, an aunt or a school counselor. Post the list where they can see daily. 

Practice With “What If” Games 

Ask leading questions such as, “What if your friend told you something that made you feel gooey?” Allow the child to respond freely. Positively reinforce ideas. 

Role play makes safety skills stick. 

Keep The Door Open 

Always end conversations with this statement. You want your child to know that they can NEVER get in trouble with you for telling you something. 

Ever. 

What To Do If Your Child Opens Up 

This is the moment that matters most… 

When your child confides something troubling to you, your response will determine if they will continue to confide in you. Remain as calm as possible. Even if you are raging inside. 

Follow these steps: 

1. Listen without pushing for lots of detail. 

2. Tell them they did the right thing by telling you. 

3. Remind them it’s not their fault. 

4. Keep them away from the adult in question. 

5. Report it to local child protection services or the police. 

Don’t investigate yourself. Professionals know how to interview children without harming them or your case. 

And take care of yourself as well. This is a huge blow to hear as a parent. There are support groups and counsellors that can guide your entire family to recovery — and help your child feel safe again. 

Putting It All Together 

Discussing secrets, surprises and inappropriate adults with children should be a routine, not a one time conversation. 

To quickly recap: 

• Most harm comes from people kids already know 

• Surprises get shared soon, bad secrets get told now 

• Watch what adults do, not who they are 

• Keep talks short, calm and regular 

• Believe your child and report concerns 

At home, at school, or jail… the rule stays the same. Adults never get to tell kids to stay quiet about what happened. 

Start the conversation today. It might be the most important one you ever have.