Understanding Self-Reg and Why It Matters
Have you ever wondered why some children seem to manage their emotions with ease while others struggle with even the smallest setbacks? Self-Reg is the key to understanding these differences. It’s not about discipline or control but about recognising the stressors that affect a child’s ability to self-regulate and supporting them in finding balance.
Developed by Dr Stuart Shanker, Self-Reg offers a transformative approach to behaviour and emotional wellbeing. It helps children and adults alike recognise stress, understand their responses, and develop strategies to return to a state of calm. Whether you’re a parent navigating emotional meltdowns or a teacher supporting classroom dynamics, mastering Self-Reg can be life-changing.
The Five Domains of Self-Reg
To effectively support a child’s self-regulation, we must consider five key areas of stress:
1. Biological – The Body’s Response to Stress
Does your child struggle with loud noises, itchy clothing, or bright lights? Sensory sensitivities can cause distress, making it harder for them to stay calm. Consider adjusting their environment with softer lighting, noise-reducing headphones, or comfortable clothing.
2. Emotional – Recognising and Managing Feelings
Children need support in recognising and naming their emotions. Instead of saying “calm down,” try, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s take a deep breath together.”
3. Cognitive – Thinking and Learning Under Stress
A child struggling with self-regulation might find it hard to concentrate. Offering brain breaks, movement opportunities, or reducing cognitive load can make learning more accessible.
Social stress can be overwhelming, especially in busy environments like classrooms. Teaching social scripts, offering quiet spaces, or using buddy systems can help children feel more secure.
When a child is overwhelmed, expecting them to show empathy can be unrealistic. Supporting their regulation first allows them to engage more positively with others.
Recognising Dysregulation: Signs to Look For
Dysregulation isn’t always loud or obvious. Some children may shout, cry, or lash out, while others withdraw, shut down, or avoid situations entirely.
Common signs include:
- Sudden outbursts or tears over minor frustrations
- Avoiding tasks they usually enjoy
- Complaints of tummy aches or headaches with no clear cause
- Excessive fidgeting or difficulty sitting still
- Difficulty following instructions despite understanding them
Understanding these behaviours as stress responses—not misbehaviour—changes the way we support children.
Practical Strategies for Parents and Teachers
Once we identify stressors, we can take steps to reduce them and support regulation.
1. Reduce Unnecessary Stressors
- Allow movement breaks throughout the day.
- Provide noise-reducing headphones or quiet corners.
- Offer predictable routines to create a sense of safety.
2. Support Emotional Awareness
- Use visual emotion charts to help children name their feelings.
- Model self-regulation by verbalising your own strategies (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed, so I’m taking a deep breath.”)
3. Teach Self-Regulation Skills
- Introduce mindfulness exercises, breathing techniques, and sensory breaks.
- Encourage children to identify what helps them feel calm.
4. Create a Low-Stress Learning Environment
- Offer alternative seating (e.g., wobble cushions, standing desks).
- Adjust workload expectations based on the child’s energy levels.
- Use soft lighting and natural tones in classroom design.
5. Build Safe and Supportive Relationships
- Focus on connection before correction.
- Reassure children that emotions are normal and manageable.
- Show patience and understanding during difficult moments.
Debunking Myths About Self-Reg
“Children just need more discipline.”
Behaviour is communication. Self-Reg is not about letting children “get away” with things but understanding why behaviours occur and addressing the root causes.
“Some kids are just ‘badly behaved’.”
No child is inherently “bad.” Dysregulation is often a sign of stress overload. Meeting their needs reduces unwanted behaviours.
“If they can do it sometimes, they can always do it.”
Self-regulation depends on energy levels, stressors, and the environment. A child who copes well one day may struggle the next due to unseen stress.
Self-Reg for Adults: Looking After Yourself First
Children learn best from regulated adults. If you’re stressed, exhausted, or overwhelmed, it’s much harder to support a dysregulated child.
Self-Reg for adults includes:
- Identifying personal stressors and finding ways to manage them
- Practising self-compassion rather than self-criticism
- Creating moments of rest and relaxation
- Seeking support when needed
When you prioritise your own regulation, you become a stronger, calmer support system for the children in your life.
Conclusion: Making Self-Reg a Daily Practice
Self-Reg isn’t a quick fix—it’s a lifelong approach to understanding stress and supporting emotional wellbeing. By recognising stressors, responding with compassion, and creating supportive environments, parents and teachers can help children thrive.
Want to learn more? Share this with fellow parents and educators so we can build a more understanding world together!
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